This is a religious experience, provided you're into Devil worship.

funny review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-04-27

Funny product Mad Dog 357 Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce Mad Dog 357 Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce Hot? No. Getting into a black car in Southern California in the middle of summer is hot. A Starbucks Venti Latte is hot. A steam sauna is hot.

This is a hospital trip short of simultaneously gargling with lye while grilling your lips on a cast-iron Weber barbeque. A full twenty minutes after I had taken less than 1/4" of a pretzel stick coated in this satanic baby batter, my tongue was searing with a rabid and vicious intensity. The cup of hot drip coffee in my hand? Tried to put out the burn with it. Couldn't even FEEL the coffee touch my tongue.

A light smoky flavor? Are you kidding me? I couldn't taste anything for over an hour. If the sauce has any measurable flavor it is instantly destroyed by the brain-melting heat. There is no reason to ever buy this. Ever. What could you possibly do with it? Put a drop in a five-gallon pot of chili? Four pounds of taco meat?...
more

fun:

Neither Pad Thai nor Soup

fun review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-04-17

Funny product Dr. McDougall's Right Foods Vegan Pad Thai Noodle Soup, Fresh Flavor, 2-Ounce Cups (Pack of 6) Dr. McDougall's Right Foods Vegan Pad Thai Noodle Soup, Fresh Flavor, 2-Ounce Cups (Pack of 6) I cannot recommend Dr. McDougall's Pad Thai Noodle Soup. If it doesn't look like pad thai or taste like pad thai, it's probably a good idea to call it something besides pad thai. A few broken rice noodles in the bottom of a cup of dehydrated broth does not a pad thai make.

I had this for lunch today, and the other kids pointed and laughed at me. Thai people walked past my table, frowning and shaking their heads. Soup technicians from the Department of Soup issued my lunch a cease-and-desist order. President Obama stopped by my table, gave me a stern look, and said, "Mark, I thought we had made more progress...
more

fun:

I'm prepared are you?

hilarious review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-19

Funny product Salt Himalayan Pink Gourmet FDA No Chemicals Non-gmo Organic Halall Kosher 2 Lbs Fine Grind (.5mm) (2 Pounds) Salt Himalayan Pink Gourmet FDA No Chemicals Non-gmo Organic Halall Kosher 2 Lbs Fine Grind (.5mm) (2 Pounds) this just tastes so much better than the stuff made by the evil scientists who have managed to make salt into something living only to kill and torture it, then genetically modify the DNA they put into it.
I heard that in some salts they even used STEM cell DNA from aborted fetuses, then modified that so that it only feels pain and excretes chemicals such as mercury and the stuff they put in chemtrails - you know, the stuff they use to control you into buying the evil GM stuff that will kill you slowly and painfully or whatever the hell chemtrails are meant to do to you.
I'm sure that buying this pink salt will ward off spirits and those lizard people that David Icke warned us about (lizards hate salt but not the salt that the evil scientists make - they also genetically modify it to be safe...
more

fun:

They should have called this product... RECTUM WRECKER

witty review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! Cereal, Honey Almond Flax, 14-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 4) Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! Cereal, Honey Almond Flax, 14-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 4) Don't get me wrong. The cereal has a nice taste and crunch but that's where the "goodness" ends. Go Lean Crunch is nothing but a fart producing product. Put it this way, I've busted more ass from Go Lean than all the baked beans Hormel or the Bush family could produce in a year! Don't get me wrong, go Lean Crunch is delicious, but prepare for major stomach cramps, diarrhea and intense air biscuit entertainment for about 18 hours after eating it! I mean one after the other; seconds apart! No thanks. The people at Kashi desperately need to put a warning label on their product. Amazon should seriously think about partnering a... more

fun:

Viva La Difference!

funny review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product MREs (Meals Ready-to-Eat), Genuine U.S. Military Issue MREs (Meals Ready-to-Eat), Genuine U.S. Military Issue As I was leaving the Army, they were introducing Meals: Ready-to-Eat, which were replacing the venerable C Rations that were packed in tins of which many of the discarded ones were used by the enemy in Vietnam to send back to our soldiers as shrapnel.

We were told that the MRE's were taste-tested by soldiers, and were lighter than the tin contents of C-Rations. You can imagine my shock as I stood out in a frozen wasteland, and tried my first packet. If you ever heard the expression, "I would rather starve than eat this!" that is what everyone in the tent heard me say. Soon dubbed, Meals Rejected by Ethiopians, the MRE's made us question the taste buds of the soldiers who had supposedly given this disgusting kludge a thumbs-up.

Now flash forward to present day.

One reservist brought a box into one of our classes, and I was offered whatever I wanted. I marvelled at the choices. Gone were...
more

fun:

Pure, sweet cardamom

fun review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Cardamom Whole / Black Cardamom Pods - 3.5oz Cardamom Whole / Black Cardamom Pods - 3.5oz Don't be alarmed, don't scroll away. What you're gazing upon is no heap of dead roaches, nor a pile of petrified rat filth. It's cardamom. Pure, sweet cardamom.

Cardamom. Ancient spice of the East. Cinnamon of royalty. The thinking man's nutmeg. What coriander wishes it was. The spice that kicked sand in cumin's face and left caraway single, broke and pregnant. Cardamom.

Can you smell it on the wind? The cardamom? This intoxicating scent of India, wafting through streets of Delhi, like a whisper from a forgotten world? No, not that, that's the cows...not the stench of crushing poverty...that's a dead guy--right under that, that kind of sweet smell? That's cardamom.

Sweet, intoxicating cardamom. Nectar of the gods, breath of the immortals.

With what did Cleopatra tempt Caesar? Cardamom.

What brought the smile to the...
more

fun:

Make this your only stock and store

amusing review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known...
more

fun:

What did I eat?

clever review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Campbell's Homestyle New England Clam Chowder, 18.8 Ounce Cans (Pack of 12) Campbell's Homestyle New England Clam Chowder, 18.8 Ounce Cans (Pack of 12) These were on epic sale at my local grocery store, so decided to pick up a few figuring that even if it was bad they might come in handy as survival rations when Zombies come. Turns out if the Zombies come this will be better combined with a sock as a bludgeon, rather than food.

The taste wasn't offensive (until after, when it repeated horribly), because there wasn't any. It might as well just have been flour and water with chunks of some Potato/Styrofoam hybrid.

I'll learn to quit giving Campbell's a...
more

fun:

Are you familiar with this product?

funny review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Blue Raspberry Rock Candy Crystals (1 Pound Bag) Blue Raspberry Rock Candy Crystals (1 Pound Bag) It is impeccable. It is the purest, most chemically sound product on the market, anywhere.

They could charge twice the current rate for what they provide and customers would pay it, hands down.
more

fun:

Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.

fun review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay...
more

fun:

Duncan Hines is my God

rofltastic review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Layer Cake Mix 18.25 oz - 6 Unit Pack Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Layer Cake Mix 18.25 oz - 6 Unit Pack There is no price too high to pay for such a miracle of taste and science. Get this. It is a cake IN A BOX. Like is your mind blown? You just add water, shove it in the oven and CAKE. I'm not making it up. Powder. Water. Cake. Just like that. Like those sea monkeys, only less crunchy. And good? Man,I picked up a piece, took a bite and next thing I knew, I ate my own hand. That's real cake, I'm telling you, moist and rich. Okay, some of it was the hand, but even so. Go get some. You'll see. Only when you eat it, use a fork. more

fun:

Disappointed

funny review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Layer Cake Mix 18.25 oz - 6 Unit Pack Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Layer Cake Mix 18.25 oz - 6 Unit Pack Obviously, the price is right -- so that's 1 star right there. And the convenience of super-saver delivery spares me I don't even know how many trips to Niger. That's another star.

However, try as I might, I could never get this stuff to enrich to fully weapons-grade. If it worked half as well in my ballistic missiles as it does in my research reactor, it'd be 5 stars. Maybe you'll have better luck. It's possible that my centrifuge is hinky.
more

fun:

I know what it's like to be a feral dog

fun review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Fresh Whole Rabbit Fresh Whole Rabbit Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I... more

fun:

Make this your only stock and store

hilarious review by in Grocery & Gourmet Food, 2014-02-08

Funny product Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known...
more

fun:

  lol reviews - funnyest amazon reviews © amazon and the original reviewers