Funny Amazon Reviews - Health & Personal Care

Show your beard the respect it deserves.

funny review by Waterman in Health & Personal Care, 2014-12-07

Beard Oil and Conditioner, Fragrance Free, Glass Bottle with Glass Dropper, Gives You a Respectable Beard That Is Healthy Looking, and Kissable Not since I purchased an invincibility serum from a gypsy traveling the Scottish plains on wagon back, have I found a product so true to its word and delivered in the same packaging. I am the proud man mother of a true man's man's beard, the type of beard that could chop down a tree, build a humble mountainside retreat, and use the remainder to fashion canoes for summer camps. This is not a beard belonging to an individual who would somehow find a way to watch this majestic feat unfold ironically and from a great distance. My beard requires a product that teeters on the tri-cornered edge between scientific formula, magic potion, and reality. Today, I am proud to announce that I have found such a product. Just two drops of Beard Oil by Leven Rose every morning is all it takes for my beard to remain soft to the touch, lush, knotless, and healthy throughout the day. I am also a big fan of how it does not carry the scent of a tropical... more

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Get plenty!

fun review by Beaver Brownlee in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-17

WHISKEY DICK LUBE This stuff is the best! At first it seemed a little awkward on poker night to break this stuff out but once everyone started putting this stuff on we all loved it. Everybody was a glow with huge smiles as they lubed themselves up. Now we have started even taking this stuff along ice fishing and even hunting, at least at deer camp. I can't think of a better bonding experience. more

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Peeling fabulous now!!

hilarious review by JJ McLaughlin in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-16

Banana Bunker (Color: Clear) Seriously, me and my bros love to smash things and leave bruises. We blast bricks with our bare hands, drop kick pinatas, punish beer cans on our foreheads, and when we get lucky we smash some poon-tang in da club. Imagine a sexy wrecking ball dipped in Monster Energy drink and then lit on fire and hurled into outer space by the Greek God Zeus - well you guessed it, we're like that wrecking ball. But I think we've met our match with the Banana Bunker. Don't believe me? Ok, how could I make the following story up then?

So this dude in the park was eating a banana and making eye-contact with us! No, bro. So we walked over to him, flexed our pectorals and gave him a look, like we were gonna pound him down into little fruit cake delights. I told him, "not cool, bro, do that in private somewhere!" - so I grabbed his banana and SMASHED it! Turned that s*** into a puddle of bruised diarrhea. This fool just smiled and pointed to the other banana encased in... more

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Work is bearable once again - co-workers avoid tragic ending

witty review by Sanity Restored in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

LectroFan - Fan Sound and White Noise Machine Moved into brand spanking new office space that is so quiet you can hear every flatulence, chip crunch, carrot bite, soup slurp, (boorish) conversation, whisper or otherwise, every phone call (if I concentrate hard enough, both sides), keyboard click, mouse movement, tummy rumble, foot step (nicknamed a couple new clod hoppers), sniff, sneeze, coffee slurp, burp, soda can opening, staple punch, paper printed, knuckle cracking annoyance from every inch of the 4000 square foot expedient path to nightmarish hell ...

Then the LectroFan arrived.

Peace came.

Will to live returned.

Murderous thoughts dissipated.

Does exactly as... more

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Variety pack problems

funny review by Jemes in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

60 Durex Condoms Variety Pack! Half of the variety pack was simply the rainbow condoms, which is great if you want to reenact fight scenes from Star Wars, but not so great in the bedroom. When I saw variety, I was hoping for different textures, not to look like Ronald McDonald with a McBoner. more

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Super Great!

fun review by rach in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

MHP The Nicodemus Coffin Bed I have been a vampire for 30 years and have had trouble finding something comfortable and practical to sleep in. As soon as I saw this I ordered it and it has completely changed my life. It is amazing and it is also very good for luring children with an interest for vampires over and they make a good snack. I would definitely recommend this coffin bed for everyone alive and dead. more

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Movement conservative

amusing review by James O. Thach "@JamesOtisThach" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Quilted Northern Ultra Plush Bath Tissue, 48 Double Rolls There's nothing I wouldn't give for liberty, but they'll take my Quilted Northern from my cold dead hands. This is toilet paper for real Americans. It's ultra plush but septic-safe, perfect for life off the grid. (It's hard enough defending freedom without having to wipe with pine needles and poison oak.) As a conservative, I respect its lack of recycled material. And as a supremacist, I'm proud that it only comes in white.

It's not just me--our entire militia depends on these double rolls. On cold Idaho nights, nothing works better for lining the planks of our log compound than this quilted 3-ply. And for us, the 48-Pack is a God-send. You haven't seen anarchy til you've watched 48 well-armed patriots wrestling over the last square of tp. I'll face down the Dems at the gates of H-E-Double Toothpicks, but I sure don't... more

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bitter sweet

clever review by Roy C. in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit Male Masturbator, Pink Lady Lets get something straight first of all. No one - NO ONE, will ever think this is a flashlight. I could break a tree in half and light it on fire at one end and that would more easily pass off as a flashlight.
The cap is just that, a cap; no lens, or even a Wile E. Coyote style drawn on lens. It's foot long, has an 11" circumference, and just in case you might somehow encounter someone who's only ever seen a flashlight in passing, the designers decided to put a giant "FLESHLIGHT" logo on the side.

Let's get back on track though, it's great. The material is soft and stretchy, the texture is smooth and skin-like and the bumps on the inside feel great. It is needy tough - you'll need to use lots of lube, especially if you have a thick penis.
You may think, "oh dude, i can just use water."; I think that's a great way to perform your own circumcision.
Get lube, and it has to be water based as oil will slowly... more

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My tongue had never seen the light of day

funny review by Stew Clyde "twitter/stewclyde" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Dr. Tung's Products: Stainless Steel Tongue Cleaner I have been an avid Amazon shopper for years. Never once have I (selfishly) written a review for a product. After purchasing this simple tongue scraper, tonight I am ending that streak.

Before today, my tongue had (unknowingly) never seen the light of day. That's right. For YEARS, my tongue had been a whiteish-covered organ. It was more white-covered than pink. It looked like it had been born permanently stained with streaks of vanilla ice cream (as long as I can remember).

I thought I was just born "different". But deep down, I secretly envied the wet, pink, glistening tongues of others. Over the years and with countless attempts of desperation, I scrubbed and scrubbed my tongue with the fronts and backs of toothbrushes, all to no avail. I resided that I would always be a freak, I would always be the outcast with a white-splotched tongue.

Until tonight.

I... more

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My tongue had never seen the light of day

fun review by Stew Clyde "twitter/stewclyde" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

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Feel like god cleaned your eyes with his own personal squeegie when you stopped at the traffic light

rofltastic review by Gojira Neko (godzilla cat) "widowpress" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Rohto Rohto Z! PRO Eye Drops 12ml Let's face it.. you've been driving all night on a road trip or been staring at porn on your computer all night and your eyes are starting to hurt. Sure you could reach for some Visine or Clear Eyes... but you'll be putting more drops in 15 minutes later, because they just don't get the job done. It's like using the windshield wipers on your dirty car... it's not as effective as the homeless guy who stands at the intersection in the bad part of town with his squeegie and spray bottle of Windex. He's gonna get your windows factory clean, and thats why you'll give him a few bucks.

Enter Rohto Z! Pro (formerly known as Rohto Zi Free) These are the strongest eye drops on the market. Their burning level is ranked at a 7... Santo Neo F/X drops are only a mere 5! These are the uncut heroin of eye drops... sure, they cost a little more, but your eyes will know where that extra money went. First your eyes burn like you poured gasoline in them... you'll think... more

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Ceasar Romero!!!

funny review by Dueling Glove (The Infamous) in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Muscletech Mass Tech Powder - Strawberry Milkshake, 5-pound Mannnn, I bought this because of the claims of getting a lot of calories and protein but lawd! I did not know the epic price my gut and bowels would have to pay when I took this stuff. I have since isolated this down to the products finicky nature with certain milk. Being that I'm not able to get regular milk I tried the local brand which as of now I am sure is from a goat or some type of lizard. I mixed a shake and washed it down with such said milk and almost immediately my stomach began spasms and boiling like a witch's cauldron. I prayed it would subside but nope! It increased like the almighty himself was meting out his own divine justice. As sweat beads popped upon my brow I frantically looked for the milk bottle to check the expiration. It was good but over the wave of nausea that wracked my innards I knew what was coming next. My bowels needed release and I needed it quick!... more

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no more problems eating food

fun review by BaronVonAmazon in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Passion Lubes, Natural Water-based Lubricant, 16 Fluid Ounce My food is so much easier to eat now that I'm lubing it up. Chicken just slides down my throat. It basically eliminated the need to chew. Which I always thought was a waste of time in the first place. Now I just lube up some sausage and in no time it's coming down my throat. Really good for force feeding my children as well, my 2 and a half week year old could barely deep throat a pickle, now she's taking em down like a boss, just like her daddy. I highly recommend trying pb and lube. It's a hit in our home. more

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It's been 10 long, amazing years.

hilarious review by Malcolm D. Campbell in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55 gallon drum of lube. I never thought I'd use it all but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I've had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you'd think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a slip-n-slide. You shouldn't think of this as a 'purchase.' It's an 'investment.' An investment sure to pay off in spades. more

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Can't be beat

witty review by cbarbeebucknekkid@pbrhero in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Stache Bomb Stache Wax- Moustache Wax From Maine Did you stumble upon this product while browsing amazon for marital aids? I sure did! I was instantly attracted to the artwork on the tin; come on, who doesn't love a mustache ride? Frankly, I didn't know a product like this was necessary, because I had always relied on a new stick of chapstick every few days. It may seem like an expensive way to do things, but if you are like me and get monthly flare-ups from the gift that keeps giving (herps) its like killing 2 birds with one stone. Anyway, I decided to give this stuff a try and I must say I am impressed. It gives a much better sheen to my lip 'fro, even when I pick it out. Plus, my wife (and the chicks on the side) love it because their skin has never... more

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better than my homemade condoms

funny review by BaronVonAmazon in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

60 Durex Condoms Variety Pack! I've been making condoms in my grandma's bathtub for years. Recently it's gotten harder, getting a hold of polytherine. Apparently it's dangerous? Terrorists use it as a lubricant. I've been having sex with people that probably have aids for years. And I'm fit as a fiddle ;-). Grandma too! One time I made a condom the size of the bathtub. My whole family got inside it. We even took a picture. And then we exited said condom pretending we were sperm. So it's hard making the switch to durex condoms after my whole family had came inside mine. xoxo more

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A Royal Flush!

fun review by Jerome Albertson in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Colon Flush Internal Cleanse Formula, 60 caps (2 BOTTLES) I found Colon Flush to be a fast, safe, and effective product. But I would caution Colon Flush users to be careful about when and where they take it. You see, I never thought I would need an accelerated laxative like this, since I eat a macrobiotic diet with plenty of kale, legumes, and Arabian tortoise extract.

However, due to recent stressful events, I found my regularity thrown off-kilter. It all started when that Japanese earthquake led to the leak of radioactive materials into the Pacific Ocean. As a naturalist specializing in advocacy for the endangered Okinawan spotted jellyfish, I was deeply troubled by these events.

I felt compelled to act and, instead of observing my standard diet and meditative practices, I spent hours alerting the public to the plight of the Okinawan spotted jellyfish. I did this using mainstream media outlets, such as the comment sections of Yahoo articles and YouTube clips. However, my... more

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Extremely useful...FOR SCIENCE!

amusing review by Simon J. Mermelstein "basho" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon I'm a particle physics PhD working at CERN, on the Large Hadron Collider. We try to keep all 27 kilometers tunnels as slippery as possible at all times, on the theory that if the hadrons are already going close to lightspeed, maybe that will help push them over the edge. We make sure they're always going downhill, too, and we use fans to give them a boost. The fans dry out the lube some, which is why I can only give it 4 stars, but 27 kilometers is an awful lot of tunnel, and 55 gallons is an awful lot of lube. more

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Pros and Cons

clever review by Daniel R. Dreifort "REVIEW-BOT-9000" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon Pros:
Moist!
Bulk savings!
Very slippery!
Container is easy to roll downhill and is large enough to hold most bodies.

Cons:
Unattractive packaging
Difficult to store
Tastes like paste more

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of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human

funny review by Marcus Tullius Cicero "Stop reading this" in Health & Personal Care, 2014-02-08

Relaxman Relaxation Capsule Recently we've been ambushed by cloaked Romulan ships along the neutral zone border and let me tell you, the cost of photon torpedoes is outlandish. Having to strip apart them to use as caskets for our dearly departed redshirts is no walk in the park either. But thanks to this Relaxman Relaxation Capsule, our expenses have dropped! Also, it's double crew morale. Our red shirts know that they will get to spend eternity floating through space literally Resting In Peace. They fit perfectly in our photon torpedo launchers, no modifications required! We did have to scare away a... more