The baddest lock ever. I am a man

funny review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2016-02-21

Funny product Kryptonite 999492 Black 14mm x 60" (1415) New York Fahgettaboudit Chain and New York Disc Lock Kryptonite 999492 Black 14mm x 60" (1415) New York Fahgettaboudit Chain and New York Disc Lock When this sucker showed up, the delivery guy, after putting the forklift away, came back and punched me in the face. I was not upset as I had just tried to pick the box up and realized I had put his life in danger by ordering this burley, tough, heavy bastard.

The first time I took it out, slung over my shoulder like one of those huge automatic weapons slung by our favorite action movie stars, I inflicted $26,000.00 in damages to the bicycle rack I locked my bike to. When the police showed up to investigate the massive damages to the otherwise innocent rack, I merely swung the chain over my head and they made me their leader out of fear, and awe. And they were right.

Two days later, I came out of a coffee shop to a disturbing scene: A craven thief had seen my bad-ass bike and tried to break this behemoth in order to steal it: he simply exploded. Needless to say, I had to find a hose to clean the 150-plus pounds of meat...
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OH My This Is GREAT!

fun review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2015-01-10

Funny product Yoga Mat Tulavita.com Orange Non-slip PVC (With Detachable Carry Strap) 1/4 Inch Thick Yoga Mat Tulavita.com Orange Non-slip PVC (With Detachable Carry Strap) 1/4 Inch Thick I didn't feel the need to plan my weekend around This PVC yoga mat.
It began with a noticeable change in the viscosity of my flexibility. Within minutes of starting the movements, my mouth had filled with a thick foamy slime. Though I was in a cool climate controlled room a salty sweat broke out, and I felt my heartbeat quicken as my body threw itself into fight or flight.
The animal noises broadcasting from my pelvis were an ominous warning of the violent acts that were to follow. I shouldered my way into the bathroom, clawing at my belt, moaning with pain. The smell came first. It started sweet, almost tangy. That was quickly overpowered by a cloying chemical perfume.
The first volley of feces hit the water like soda cans and nickles. The resulting splash drenching my bottom in foul brackish water, but this was quickly becoming the least of my worries.
After another moment, the noises in my core hit a fever pitch and I...
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These are the best.

hilarious review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-12-02

Funny product ExOfficio Men's GiveNGo Boxer Brief ExOfficio Men's GiveNGo Boxer Brief I am TELLING YOU, get a pair of exofficio give and go boxer briefs. they are amazing. they are not boxers, they are clippings of God's beard spun into dick armor. more

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The perfection will make you weep

witty review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Snow Peak Titanium Spork Snow Peak Titanium Spork I don't know why a titanium spork is such a fun thing to own. But it is. I got mine as a gift and I.. just.. like.. using it.

Maybe it's because what you have here is a final experience, the idealized form of a piece of technology. It's as tough as steel, it's light, it's utterly non-toxic, manages hot food without a problem, scoops up yogurt, soup and stew with aplomb, spears meat and vegys without trouble. It cleans up trivially. It will probably last about a billion years in typical use. It's got a simple, appealing shape. There's no way to improve on it. You look at it, and just know that in five hundred years, it will still be the utter epitome of utensilness.

Hold it in your hand, and you feel like mankind has achieved something, finally made something that's perfect, that just works without a glitch. That's not a feeling you get often. You...
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Good as backup NFMBFTKS, but not as primairy NFMBFTKS

funny review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product BladesUSA Hk-6090 Fantasy Sword 27.25-Inch Overall BladesUSA Hk-6090 Fantasy Sword 27.25-Inch Overall I have been a user of Ninja Forearm Machete Blade Full Tang Knife Swords (NFMBFTKS for short, pron 'nif-mib-fit-kis') for most of my career, and have some that are quite nice. As a professional mercenary and vendor of 'blood diamonds', 'blood coffee beans', 'blood Nike knock offs', and other 'conflict-zone' products, I find myself in need of a good NFMBFTKS regularly.

I was a bit disappointed for several different reasons when this product arrived at my secure compound.

First, this product is sold by a company called 'Martial Arts Land', which is the same name I gave to my home in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I wish the company had done more research into other entities who are also using that name before naming their company. The post office had quite a time, seeing as the shipping label read 'From: Martial Arts Land' and 'To: Martial Arts Land'. I hope they are not the people who have been getting my missing issues...
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It gets the job done

fun review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Hair Salon 16oz Designer Water Spray Bottle by Soft 'N Style Hair Salon 16oz Designer Water Spray Bottle by Soft 'N Style I remember years ago, when I bought water bottle after water bottle, trying to get a fine mist of spray. None of them worked. Now, I find this bottle on Amazon, and it works REALLY well! I eat a lot of air-popped popcorn, and I needed something to spray on the cooked popcorn so that the cheese powder would stick. Before, I was eating the dry popcorn with the dry cheese seasoning, but once the popcorn was close to my mouth, the seasoning would just go into my nose and lungs. This made me cough every time I ate a handful of popcorn.

Now, as the popcorn is coming out of the popper, I spray a light mist of water,...
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Exactly As Advertised!

amusing review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Ninja MASK Ninja MASK This is a REAL ninja mask. At first when I opened the box and saw nothing in it, I was pretty mad. What a jip, right? But then I realized, "Wait a minute...ninja mask!" So I reached into the box, put it on, and admired my ninja face in the mirror. I decided to wear it to work and ran around my building, pushing people out of chairs, pantsing my supervisors, and placing things all askew. It fits perfectly; it stayed firmly in place when I accidentally walked into a taser in the ladies' room.
And even though I'm using my one phone call to post this review on my...
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Excellent banana saver

clever review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Banana Saver, Yellow Banana Saver, Yellow This banana saver is great! So far I have taken it rock climbing a number of times and it has held up very well after being crushed into a backpack. It fits a wide range of banana lengths and curvatures and is clearly not a dildo (that is a problem with some other banana savers!). Its closure is quite secure. I would recommend it for adventuresome fruits! more

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Got Me Past the TSA

funny review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Ninja Folding Grappling Hook w/ Black Finish & Rope, Functional Ninja Folding Grappling Hook w/ Black Finish & Rope, Functional While traveling to the recent Osaka Ninja-world Annual Gala and Silent Auction, I decided not to check a bag. After all, my mask, robe, and slippers neatly fit into my pink Hello Kitty knapsack, cinched tight across both shoulders. I don't know why I decided to bring my Ninja Folding Grappling Hook, or why I thought I could walk through security with it. First mistake.

"What is that?" demanded the TSA agent, who looked remarkably like Nikki Minaj. Perhaps it was because she appeared well prepared to cast ample "shade" my way.

"It's a grappling hook. Haven't you ever seen one?" Second mistake.

"You can't carry weapons on board," she intoned, gesturing to the prohibited list, then inspecting a chipped nail.

"It's not a weapon, and grappling hooks aren't on this list," I pointed out, in my good natured tone. Third mistake. "Aerosols, oxygen tanks, box cutters, but...
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Good as backup NFMBFTKS, but not as primairy NFMBFTKS

fun review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product BladesUSA Hk-6090 Fantasy Sword (27.25-Inch Overall) BladesUSA Hk-6090 Fantasy Sword (27.25-Inch Overall) I have been a user of Ninja Forearm Machete Blade Full Tang Knife Swords (NFMBFTKS for short, pron 'nif-mib-fit-kis') for most of my career, and have some that are quite nice. As a professional mercenary and vendor of 'blood diamonds', 'blood coffee beans', 'blood Nike knock offs', and other 'conflict-zone' products, I find myself in need of a good NFMBFTKS regularly.

I was a bit disappointed for several different reasons when this product arrived at my secure compound.

First, this product is sold by a company called 'Martial Arts Land', which is the same name I gave to my home in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I wish the company had done more research into other entities who are also using that name before naming their company. The post office had quite a time, seeing as the shipping label read 'From: Martial Arts Land' and 'To: Martial Arts Land'. I hope they are not the people who have been getting my missing issues...
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Stops 'em From "Going to the Walkers"

rofltastic review by in Sports & Outdoors, 2014-02-08

Funny product Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray I'm faced with a lot of dangerous situations at the nursing home. I give an order to move from the TV room to the cafeteria for a performance of the Tremonton 2nd Ward Primary Childrens' Chorus and the codgers immediately surround me, leaning threateningly on their walkers. It's a frightening situation to be in, one that always sends me scurrying to the crafts area, seeking the illusory protection of a pair of Fiskars 94917097 No. 5 Blunt Tip Scissors.

That was until I saw Lt. John Pike use this product to defang the threat of sprawling hippies at UC Davis. I immediately purchased a dozen cans. Now, not even the possibility of missing a Matlock rerun can prompt the residents to "go to the walkers."

As for mealtime, grandma no longer menaces me by shaking her mush spoon. Rather, she quickly wolfs her gruel down like a marriage defender getting the most out of a...
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